Advice on Polygynous Marriages… And to Women Seeking Marriage in General

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Advice on Polygynous Marriages… And to Women Seeking Marriage in General. 

Assalāmu ʿalaikum.

Older women (usually post-30s), divorcees (or widows) and those who realised too late that they should have married early are more likely to enter into polygyny — and marriage is good for them (if the man is responsible and capable).

Younger women have more men to choose from because men prefer and desire younger women (usually virgins) because they carry higher value in the eyes of men, and will give them many children.1“A woman’s peak reproductive years are between the late teens and late 20s. By age 30, fertility (the ability to get pregnant) starts to decline. This decline becomes more rapid once you reach your mid-30s. By 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is unlikely for most women… The risks of miscarriage and stillbirth are greater in women who are older than 35.” (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists: Having a Baby After Age 35: How Aging Affects Fertility and Pregnancy) See acog.org This is shown by the texts and literally thousands of years of human experience. Women who reject this reality are usually affected by western feminism, and they will ultimately lose out and end up regretful. Furthermore, younger women (in general) prefer older men, so older women find it harder to find a desirable 2i.e., a man who is righteous, responsible, experienced, financially stable and attractive. These are reasons why younger women gravitate towards men who are older than them because they are more likely to have these traits that women desire. Older men would in turn prefer women who are younger as stated. This is the nature of men and women that has been known throughout history. single/unmarried man closer to their age.

Very few women beyond their 30s will find a righteous, strong, sought-after young bachelor in his 20s to marry. She may say: ‘It doesn’t matter because I prefer an older man in his 30s or 40s. He will be maturer and wiser.’ True, except that those men are already taken and married! It is inconceivable that a righteous man on the Sunnah, who is also strong, responsible and successful will be single into his 30s! My sisters, the only way you’ll attain him is if you are his second, third or fourth wife.

The things that guardians (of women) need to look for when investigating a man who has other wives are:

1. That he has fine (if not impeccable) references from Salafi community leaders. These should be written or typed references because recollections can differ over time and from person to person. One reference is not enough for polygyny (or any marriage) – I would ask for three or four at least.

2. He should be financially secure at the time of marriage to care for all his wives (especially living in the west or if intending hijrah). He doesn’t have to be rich but secure enough to provide.

3. He needs to have separate lodgings prepared (or is fully able to arrange them) for his additional wives unless she already has her own house and does not mind remaining within it as long as he provides food and clothing.

4. He must have a strong character, i.e., he needs to be a man with solid traits of masculinity. Polygyny is not for men who are weak and struggle with emotions, mental issues and communication – nor is it for men who are reluctant to take leadership positions in each of their homes.

5. Managing multiple households requires patience, strength of character, time, sufficient wealth and commitment.

Some marriages can and do fail, whether monogamous or polygynous, and that is the decree of Allah in His creation. Women often make the wrong choices because they don’t consult, they don’t follow the steps I’ve outlined above. They’ll marry a man they’ve met online or via WhatsApp or another social media app – they will often give their heart to him (and ‘fall in love’) before checking to see whether he’s suitable! That is why it is important to involve your guardian from the outset and consult with Salafi community leaders early on because some guardians (unfortunately) do not do what is required of them in these affairs (so she should seek help from the Salafi community). If no one knows him, or they are reluctant and unwilling to give him a reference, do not pursue the marriage.

So, when these women marry men without following the wise and correct procedure, the marriage is unlikely to survive in the long run. So be advised, don’t rush, follow simple rules, and don’t be convinced or talked into marriage without taking references and looking into affairs.

And at the same time, don’t exaggerate in over-scrutinising affairs and thus allow shaytān to whisper, and then you lose out on a good suitor. That is why the role of male guardians is important, and to involve Salafi community leaders: those who are well-known in the community for being upright, mature (not youth), married and fathers themselves such as shaikhs, religious teachers, masjid managers, organisers of the da’wah and conferences, etc.

Abu Khadeejah.

Footnotes:

  • 1
    “A woman’s peak reproductive years are between the late teens and late 20s. By age 30, fertility (the ability to get pregnant) starts to decline. This decline becomes more rapid once you reach your mid-30s. By 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is unlikely for most women… The risks of miscarriage and stillbirth are greater in women who are older than 35.” (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists: Having a Baby After Age 35: How Aging Affects Fertility and Pregnancy) See acog.org
  • 2
    i.e., a man who is righteous, responsible, experienced, financially stable and attractive. These are reasons why younger women gravitate towards men who are older than them because they are more likely to have these traits that women desire. Older men would in turn prefer women who are younger as stated. This is the nature of men and women that has been known throughout history.

2 Comments

  1. As Salaamu Alaikum. May Allah reward you with Jannatil Firdous for your diligence and great efforts to spread Islam. Ameen. You have helped me more than you will ever realize.

    Question: Is it advisable for a woman who desires marriage to give away her right to be provided for/maintained? The woman is not wealthy but has been able to maintain her home and children on her own with a bit of difficulty. The man she wants to marry already has one wife and many children so the woman would be a second wife. He is not able to financially support another household, the woman is aware of this because the man told her so.

    What would you advise in this situation? Is there a talk you’ve already given on the topic? If not, perhaps it would be beneficial to give a talk as this practice is becoming more and more common in the West. May Allah reward you for your efforts. Ameen

    • Wa ‘alaikumus-salaam.

      Yes, I will talk about it, inshaa’ Allaah, in a future dars.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.